All throughout last year, I prayed about my desire to go into seminary or full-time missions. Ever since my first trip to Mexico missions back in middle school, I believed that ministry was where I belonged. I had a passion for God's people, loved planning church activities, loved studying theology, and was one of the few girls my age who didn't mind supporting a pastor for the rest of my life. (lol) People I looked up to -- parents, mentors, etc. -- encouraged me that I'd be a good fit. It looked like I was headed on the road to seminary. But something still felt wrong.
Pastors tell some crazy "how-God-called-me-to-seminary" stories. In these stories, it's usually God doing the convincing. But for me, it felt like the other way around. Pastors share how they were running away from their calling, but for me, I felt like I was chasing after what wasn't mine. I was running after God and asking Him, "Please, can I have the permission to pursue full-time ministry, pretty please?"
But recently, it finally came: my answer why not to go to seminary. After years of wondering -- should I, could I, -- I've finally decided that I should not and could not. I have another "calling" to tend to.
How I Decided Not Go to Seminary
1. Evaluation of my fears - Every reason I wanted to go to seminary all bottled down to one thing: fear. Fear of the outcomes. Fear of becoming a corporate woman. Fear of working too hard and not having time to serve in church. Fear of not having enough time for family. Fear of delayed marriage. Fear of not being a good enough witness in a vastly secular industry. Fear of my own stumbling in faith. Fear of persecution. Fear of defaming God's glory. Fear of man, really. My desire to go into seminary so that I can stay and work in the Church all year long, where I won't have to face persecution, where I can live comfortably in the community of believers and where I knew I would have time for a loving Christian family. Seminary was my Ninevah.
2. Re-evaluation of my skills, past experiences, and interests - It was less clear whether or not I should go into seminary when I didn't have a calling yet. But now that I'm out of school, I can see how God was gracious in building me up as a faithful worker not only within the Church, but also in school, in extracurricular activities, and in leadership outside of the Church. I got involved in really random but really helpful networks during school, gained diverse and skilled work experiences, and even got access to some high-profile work. Now that I'm looking for a job in media or marketing, I've built up my credibility as an excellent employee, kinda like how Daniel became a desirable advisor to Nebuchadnezzar. The things I did to buff up my resume like leadership in clubs and activities, God used these things to buy me a ticket into a circle of trust of exclusive people. My unique skill set allows me to reach out to a people that most people can't normally reach: the rich, the famous, the busy, the prideful, the successful.
3. An example of fruitful ministry outside of Church - My passion for missions was reignited not by a pastor, not by a missionary, but by a brother who works for sales in an import/export company in Cerritos. I can't imagine how awkward it must have been to be the first person to suggest a company lunch to mingle, or to invite grown men over his house for a sleepover, or to plan weekly cooking nights within a company of employees who really could care less. But this brother did. His initiative opened up crazy opportunities to witness to non-believers that I haven't even seen on the mission field. When people say, "You don't have to go overseas to evangelize; look in your very backyard," I don't think we should undermine the gravity of this statement. There is an overlooked need for Jesus in hearts of citizens of first-world countries.
4. Re-evaluation of my understanding of a "calling" - I knew "calling" didn't equate to "career," but in my prayers I kept using that word as a reference to the job I will one day get. That's when I realized I needed to change the way I prayed about my calling. Not to pray for a job, but to pray for a calling. (please don't judge the book by its dull title like I did) Knowing God's Will, by M. Blaine Smith, was an amazing and literally life-changing book on understanding of what a calling really is. It addressed the common problem that young Christians have in waiting for 100% affirmation of what job to pursue. We want all the information, the guarantee, the promise from God that this is the job that He planned for us. But as Psalms 119:105 says, "Your Word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path." Not a floodlight onto the field. It's okay if God doesn't tell us our career right away. God will only reveal each step as we go and trust Him with the next. As soon as I trumped the misconception of "calling" as some cosmic plan for my destiny, I began to take little decisions I had to make and little opportunities I had everyday more seriously. Suddenly, that entry-level job as a marketing assistant didn't seem so bleak. I needed to be humbled to the point where I understood the opportunities God could use me in my "calling" as a paper-pusher. God challenged me to take little steps at a time and trust Him with the rest of the way.
5. Quotes that revealed my passion - When I heard these words of wisdom, it stuck with me. "The modern Church is becoming like a modern monastery, closing up its disciples within the confines of the church." "Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house." (Matthew 5:15) Pulling on different strings in my heart, God has stirred up this strange passion to be a missionary as an employee of integrity and faithful young adult of this generation.
The beauty in all this is that nothing about me has changed. My passion for missions, my love for the Word, my desire to serve stayed the same. All that's changed is the condition of my heart. Seminary was where I thought I could find joy, but God made me take a good look at myself and showed me a path where greater joy will abound. I'm excited to serve and glorify God in my work! Now, all I need to do is find that job... haha.
